The last couple of days have been really hard for me but I must ask myself why??? Why would I want to stay in an unhealthy marriage? Is it the fear of being alone or do I really love him??? As the days passes with multiple conversation with Shaun I looked at my life and I have said I’m not alone even though I have this loneliness feeling. I have a wonderful healthy little boy that loves his mommy so very much and a family that support this decision 100%. Despite the ugly response I continue to get from Shaun time after time this is the best discussion for me and Kason even though at times I feel alone and sad. I have got to learn that when people are at their worst that is when they bring other down with them and the best decision for myself is from this day forward is to have zero contact with Shaun unless necessary. I have looked at this relationship since the beginning and thought to myself what exactly did you bring to this marriage that was good for me and Kason and as sad as it sounds I haven’t found anything. I have been through so much with Shaun that most people deal with through an entire marriage or shouldn't have to deal with in just the first 7 months of our marriage. I have totally changed everything about myself since this marriage with Shaun begun and not for the good but I still think to myself why do I let him get to me. Why do I keep hearing this is my fault?? We all do things in a marriage that at some point must be forgiven. He is so quick to point out my faults but assumes forgiveness on my end such be automatic and without any questions. Did I see this in the beginning and over looked it due to the hurt of my previous marriage??? I have a lot of questions that run through my mind on why I did this and that but I can’t keep questioning myself. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending. I know I did what I could for him and his kids and whether it was appreciative or being taken advantage of I want question my actions. It saddens me for Kason because I have brought Shaun into Kason’s life thinking he would be a good father figure for him but quickly saw different even though I don't doubt one bit that Shaun loved Kason. I know it will take time for Shaun to be erased from Kason’s little brain but it’s better now than later.
As of today I’m looking forward, forward to getting this over, forward to a wonderful life with Kason and forward to more wonderful memories with my family and friends.
Love you all, Angela
1 comment:
I think you are alot stronger than you think...keep looking to the good in your life and remember that even though you count in life, when you became a mother your life shifts and becomes about what is best for Kason and you second...too many other mothers don't look at it that way...I know that you are a good person...and that you will find someone that will love you unconditionally and forever...The 2 men that have been in your life have let you down but remember that you are never alone...God is ALWAYS walking right beside you...and sadly we all go through bad times, I feel he wants to see you PRAISE Him even in the storm...when your world is crashing all around you can you stop and in the mist of your tear say "Thank you for letting me go through this"?? I know it sounds crazy but in the end you are giving him glory even in the rain...and you are preparing your field for the times when the harvest(good times)will be plentiful... if nothing else remember that manipulators and people that have the "crazy eye" will alway deflect their faults on everyone around them...I love you and you will get through this... Amy
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